Pls tell me what to do or just kill me!!

Its almost 3 weeks since my last post. 2008 is a extremely bad year for me at least, just ended 1 coldwar 2 weeks ago & barely just 3 weeks into the first month of 2008, we now into another round of coldwar.

It started with him asking me if its ok for us to leave office early on Thurs. I ask him why & he say he wanted to be home before 6pm to play his game. Just as what all of you are wondering what game I'm talking about, its actually an online game called silkroad, a game I hate to the core!! I don't mind him paying to buy those off the rack games, but definitely not this stupid silkroad game. He say his enemy is playing from 6pm to 8pm & he want to be home to kill that enemy of his.

Seriously, in any point of view I'm definitely not agreeable to leave office for a game. I have 20 staff to answer to even if my dad don't question us. I ask him what reason he's gonna say for leaving early, he say just tell my dad we have doctor's appointment. Most lame excuse for the century!! I was extremely busy on thurs, only manage to catch a breather at 5pm, we usually leave office at 6pm, so I thought we have an hour more to go so I went to surf the net for a while.
At 5.30pm I'm tired to the bones, and ask him if he wanna leave, by this time his face is as black as charcoal & I'm not happy. If he's working outside I doubt he can such thoughts, instead he should pray hard that he need work OT. So another round of argument started all becos of his stupid game.

Ever since my laproscopy last Oct, I find it so hard to communicate with him. Our arguments are almost every month & I'm so so so tired from all these. I'm so tired to the extend I was telling my friends I'm so tempted to just open my room window & jump down from my room! These are just foolish thoughts of mine which I'll never execute.

Whether he has an affair still draw a very big question mark in my head, where his heart belong is something I really want to know. He lock his comp & laptop for the fear that I might gather evidence against him.

God, pls guide me or take me back to your kingdom!! I really beg you God, I'm so tired, mentally & physically all drained out, exhausted to the bones & yet have to be strong!! I'm falling anytime now

you have to be responsible with your words

I'm not too sure if he'll read this, but I really want to get my message across. You have to be responsible with your words. On 30/12, on the eve of my birthday, you say that since I want a child so badly I have better go find another guy who can give me one. This words engrave deep inside my heart & mind.

You have better go to the kitchen, get a knife & stab my heart. Let me die in peace rather than facing you, facing someone who's heart is already with another woman. I won't cry, but one fine day I shall make you regret your words & actions.

Blessed New Year!!

Blessed New Year to all my dear friends out there!! May 2008 be a good year for everybody. I shall list down my resolution & birthday wishes now:

Some of you may be guessing my birthday wish is to have a coach or LV bag/wallet or the pendant that I'm eyeing at Goldheart? Not even close, these are material items that I can do without.

1. My birthday wish since last year is to have my own child, a child to call my own. When my sis announce last Nov that she's pregnant with Sherlise, my heart sank, in my heart I keep asking myself why she can easily have 2 kids while I'm still struggling with 1. Regardless of the gender, I pray to God He'll bless me with 1 in His time. God my patience is running low, time & time I face disappointment, time & time again You tested my faith. Nevertheless, I'm hanging strong. I really pray that this time next year I can have my bundle of joy in my arms or expecting his/her arrival & not facing another disappointment again.

2. Next wish I have since I was young was to be completely healed from my asthma + sinus. I have asthma since 8 yrs old, its been close to 20 yrs now & I really don't want to depends on my inhailer anymore, the steriod contents is so high! The last attacked I had on 21/12 I almost rushed myself to hospital.

New year resolution is to face less stress at work, for my dad's company to face less bad debts & his new venture will succeed. Hope that I can find a job mid-year, I don't wish to work with Colin anymore, too much conflict that causes too much argument to us. Its never a good idea for a couple to work together

Worse Birthday I ever had...

This year's birthday is the worse day I ever spend. Sun nite, Colin said we're going back to his parents place for dinner, I agreed even though I was very sick, I was having a very bad running nose & started coughing due to my flu, I thought he'll be kind enough to either bring food home or order pizza hut home so that I can rest.

7.30pm we went over to his parents place, I was already not very happy cos I'm so sick & yet still need to go out. Reached his parents place, after we finished our dinner, his mum say she's cooking winter melon desert & told us to wait for a while more, I was so full & so sick that I couldn't wait to get home to take my med & sleep. Colin insisted on waiting for us to digest a little of our dinner so that we can enjoy the desert. It was 9pm & I'm also half dead, I'm on the verge of screaming my head off at him to go home, he ask me if I want a bowl of desert, where got appetite to eat, he went to enjoy while I was waiting for him, he even ask if I want to tabao home, seriously I'm going to snap at him any min, he tabao 1 small bowl home thats for himself.

Just before we step out of his parents place, I saw our car spare key hanging near the door so I asked him whats the key doing there & insisted to bring it home. At that time his mum is standing just behind us, I insisted him to take home with us he say he'll bring home another day, I cannot understand what he's waiting for so we started another round of argument from the lift all the way home, I even questioned him why his parents is holding to our house keys, I want it back too.

Obviously he's not happy & I'm pissed, reached home he started preaching his grandfather story ask why I draw such a clear line. Hello, can I not take back my stuff? Everything I'm at fault! The clock struck midnight, my friends started buzzing my hp & msn with all the birthday wishes, but none from him!! At 2.30am, I went to bed waking up on & off and thats a very bad start to my birthday.

I woke up at 12+pm, walk out of the room & found him in the study room & still nothing from him!! I was so so so disappointed already, went to open the fridge & saw a bouquet of sunflowers + a cake. Obviously he didn't know I never like sunflower & best of all he didn't even know tulips is my all time love.

While chatting with my friends in msn, I decided to buzz my best friend & ask her out. Went out & met her at chinatown & both of us started our crazy ranting session. Only then I realise, my friends treat me better than him. When I'm out he didn't even ask my whereabouts, no birthday wishes from him also!! All the sms I receive are from my friends!! My friends know my birthday better than him.

I parted with my friend at 10.15pm, reach home at 11pm and still nothing from him!! & I'm tired to the bones! Waited till the clock stuck midnight & it doesn't matter to me anymore cos my birthday is over! This is the "best" birthday I ever spend

Classic Conversation #2

Today I went town shopping alone, cos I just want to be left alone. The crowd in orchard is just crazy, I guess everybody is doing last min christmas shopping. The carpark at taka is so full that the security guard has to blocked off the entrance & ask all the cars to look for alternative place to park.

I went to Esprit to grab something, when its my turn to make payment, I present to the cashier my NRIC & membership card to get 20% since Dec is my birthday month. After payment, here goes the next classic conversation I have with the cashier

Cashier: Miss, are you local?

Me: *give her a super blur look* I replied Yes

Cashier: You're entitled to join a lucky draw

Me: In my mind I was thinking, she just saw my pink IC less than 1 min ago & ask if I'm local. I thought they'll refund me GST or give me more discount!

After that went shopping around in taka & by 2.30pm I'm tired to the bones. I didn't have a good nite sleep for the past few days already. I walk to the cab stand & amazingly when so many people is complaining that the new cab fare structure is expensive, there's at least 50 people in front of me waiting for cab. I just pray hard that I'll get any cab except those belong to comfort delgro. Lucky enough when its my turn its a premier-Kia cab, total cab fare home is $10.60.

I'm going bonkers soon

I'm going bonkers any min from now. Cried the whole noon, refuse taking any calls cos not in any mood. Yes I admit I'm nasty, but he's no better, now the whole house is in total mess.

On the surface I could be fine with all the fertility treatment, but deep inside me still hurt like mad, when I'm know the only alternative I have now is either go thru SO-IUI or IVF. I've gone thru 6 course of clomid, all fail. First 3 course make me puke till no tomorrow, endless blood test, went thru laprscopy with 1 course of lucrin, how much more do I have to suffer? If I decide to go thru SO-IUI means min 5 days jab, my gynae already mentally prepare me that I might have to be jab 10 days!! The thought of needles freak me out totally. What does he have to go thru, practically nothing!! Ask him to take some vits hoping to see some improvement is like asking for his life. I can't be doing all sorts of treatment when he's not agreeable to the op right. Its not fair to me, I have absolutely no clue what other test I need to go thru.

Why can't I get pregnant the natural way? Why do I have to suffer all this in silence? What does he do when I go thru the test, practically nothing!! He only done 1 blood test so far, I dunno when mine started. What does he understand, I doubt he even understand cos he dun read as much as I do. Other husbands standby their wife when all things fail, he only keep telling me that his family still love him blah blah blah. Hello, I also have my family, they give you the upmost respect, never demanded anything from you but only want you to treat me good. Thats never too much to ask for.

he's a complete idiot!!

What an idiot!! His parents think we own a bank or since when money grow on trees for us to pluck?!

The few big ticket item that we paid this year for them, Mar/Apr their trip to China, that cost us $1200, Jul his mum went HK with his bro & he kindly sponsored $500 that exclude our own taiwan trip, my parents were so nice to sponsor us $2K to spend in taiwan even though I insist that I'll pay for my own holiday. All these expenses his sis NEVER contribute at all, I really mean not a single cent. Now I start to think if she belong to the family, son must bear all the cost? My own parents whatever we buy we 3 siblings were share the cost to be fair, my bro pay lesser cos NS man not much money also but at least he still contribute.

I've labelled his sis as handicap dunno how long ago, each time we go back & if I see her in my heart I'll say "oh handicap is at home".

I'm making my stand very very clear to him, if his sis is not going to contribute a single cent to the household, I'm not going to pay for anything. I'm not going to be taken as a fool anymore. Still can tell me I should leave room to negiotiate, maybe he contribute $200 the rest is his mum problem. Hello, don't say $200 now, $20 I also don't feel like giving. Never see parents not sparing a thought for their poor kids, working so hard to maintain their own family yet gotta worry about those useless item but come with a big ticket items.

I'm going crazy any min with all these financial stuff, don't try driving me up the wall!!